Child Sexual Abuse: What is it?
Written by: Rebekkah Witten
If there’s one thing people don’t want to talk about, it’s child sexual abuse. This issue is so deeply uncomfortable that most people would prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist. Unfortunately, ignoring it does not make it stop and does not help the people affected by it. In this three-part blog series, we will be discussing this sensitive topic, starting with what it is and how to identify warning signs in a child.
The sad fact of the matter is, child sexual abuse happens a lot more than we would like to acknowledge. The most recent statistics show that:
1 in 10 children are sexually abused before their 18th birthday, and 90% of victims know their abuser.
Children are more likely to be sexually assaulted than adults: each year, about 70% of reported sexual assaults occurred to children age 17 and under.
Only 1 in 3 of these crimes are reported to the authorities (and only about half of those are investigated).
Only about 4-8% of child sexual abuse reports are made up.
So what can we do about this problem?
First, we need to know what it is so we know what to watch for. According to the law, a child cannot consent to sexual activity, so the most simple definition of child sexual abuse is: sexual contact with a minor. This might be an adult towards a child or an older child or teenager towards a younger child, and can include touching or non-touching activities, such as:
Touching a child’s private parts, or making a child touch someone else’s private parts for sexual pleasure
Making a child insert objects or body parts into their body
Showing pornography to a child or allowing them to witness (see or hear) adult sex acts
Photographing a child in sexual poses
Masturbating in front of a child, or forcing a child to masturbate
Exposing adult genitals to a child
Inappropriately watching a child undress, bathe, or use the bathroom (dependent upon age)
Children who have been victims of child sexual abuse may or may not report their abuse. As a parent or caregiver, do you know the warning signs that a child might be experiencing abuse?
While one or two of these warning signs are certainly not proof that abuse is occurring, any significant change in a child’s personality or behavior is worth investigating. Watch for signs like:
Recurring nightmares or trouble sleeping
Becoming withdrawn, clingy, insecure or secretive
Displaying fear or refusing to go to a specific place or spend time (especially alone) with a specific person
Regressing to a “younger” stage of behavior (especially bedwetting or soiling themselves when it was not previously a problem)
Sudden mood swings or angry outbursts, or evidence of self-harm (cutting, burning, etc)
Having a new, older friend or suddenly having gifts/money without an explanation
Sudden knowledge of sexual acts or new names for genitals
Showing sexual themes in play or a preoccupation with sex
Masturbating in public
Touching younger children in a sexual manner
Physical signs like pain, discoloration, bruises or swelling around the child’s mouth, genitals, or anus, or sexually transmitted diseases
Pain during urination or bowel movements; bleeding or unusual discharge
Now that we know what to watch for, what can you do if your child has been the victim of sexual abuse? Thankfully, we have years of research to show us what best helps survivors of child sexual abuse to heal. In the next part, we will discuss what to do if your child has been sexually abused. And in the third part of this series, we will address different ways to protect your family from child sexual abuse.
Child Sexual Abuse: It happened. Now what?
So you’ve noticed some warning signs, or your child has reported sexual abuse to you. What should you do now?
KEEP YOUR COOL. You will probably feel some powerful emotions, including shock, rage, fear, grief or disbelief. Keep in mind that your child is probably pretty nervous, too, and they’re looking to you for help. Take a break and take some deep breaths if you need to.
THANK YOUR CHILD. Even if you don’t know what else to say, make sure you tell them you are proud of them for telling you such a hard thing.
BELIEVE THEM. Recall that only 4-8% of sexual abuse allegations are made up. Most people don’t want to believe this has happened to their child! Your first response may be something like, “Are you sure that’s what happened? Maybe you misunderstood” or “That can’t be true, I can’t believe he/she would do something like that!”
That’s ok. That’s normal. Take a deep breath and choose to believe your child. If it’s a false report, you’ll figure that out. But if it’s true, they really need your support right now.
REPORT IT. Call the non-emergency police or your local child protection services. Here in Kentucky, the toll-free number for reporting child abuse of any kind is 1-877-KYSAFE1 (1-877-597-2331). Many parents worry that making a report will get the children removed from their home, but making the report actually shows that the parent is doing everything within their power to protect the child. You do not want to take the chance that someone else will make a report, and then you’ll have to explain why you knew about this but did not report it!
GET HELP. Seek a trauma-informed therapist to help your child process the abuse. Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is one type of treatment that helps children (aged 3-18) process their thoughts and feelings related to the abuse. After a traumatic event, people (even little kids!) often have thoughts such as “It was my fault” or “I deserved it,” or they might feel dirty, broken or ashamed of what has happened. Ignoring these thoughts or avoiding reminders of the abuse feels like it helps in the short term, but over time these twisted beliefs will continue to grow and affect the child – even all the way into adulthood. It is hard to ask for help, but an experienced therapist can help your child to move past the abuse.
Keep in mind that other family members may also need help to feel safe and secure again after learning about the abuse of their loved one. And don’t underestimate the value of having your own support – many parents continue to struggle with feelings of guilt, anger, or depression even long after the abuse was reported. This is a very difficult situation for everyone – don’t be afraid to ask for help!
So now we know what it is, what to watch for, and what to do if it happens. In the next article, we will discuss how to protect your family from predators and prevent child sexual abuse from happening.
Child Sexual Abuse: Prevention
So what can you do to prevent child sexual abuse from happening? One of the most effective tools you have to protect your family from child sexual abuse is your willingness to talk about it!
Teach children that no one should EVER ask them to keep “secrets” from their parents – if they do, tell your parent right away!
Predators rely on “secrets” to commit this crime, so the more freely you can talk to your kids, the less likely a predator will be able to target your child. If someone is asking your child to keep a “secret” from you, it is a red flag that you should know what is going on.
Teach children the real names for their body parts.
Sometimes it feels a little weird for parents to teach small children words like “penis” or “vagina,” but these are simply names for body parts just like your knee, elbow or belly button. By teaching kids the real names for these parts of our bodies, we take away the power of secrecy and shame that sometimes gets associated with these body parts, which allows kids to report inappropriate touching much more easily. (And, sadly, it is a lot easier to prosecute these crimes if a child reports sexual abuse using correct anatomical names.)
Teach children body autonomy.
“Body autonomy” means YOUR BODY BELONGS TO YOU. It means teaching children which parts of their bodies are “private” and which parts are ok for others to touch. It means teaching children that they have the right to say NO or DON’T TOUCH ME, even to adults. It means showing your kids that even grown-ups need to respect kids’ bodies!
You can do this by asking for hugs or kisses and waiting for your child’s consent (or respecting it when the answer is “no”!). You can support your child’s body autonomy by sticking up for them if other adults try to insist that a child “has” to give hugs or kisses. You might help your child find an alternative greeting (such as a high five or fist bump) if they don’t want to give hugs or kisses. It might hurt Great-Aunt Franny’s feelings if a child doesn’t want to give her a hug, but it is far more harmful to a child to be forced into giving hugs because that’s when they learn that adults are “allowed” to do things to their body even without the child’s consent.
Know who your kids spend their time with.
Obviously, you know who is with your child. But since we know 90% of children know their abusers, unfortunately we can’t just assume “Oh I know that person, they would never do anything like that.” Instead, watch for warning signs that this is not a safe adult / older child, such as:
Refusing to allow a child appropriate privacy (such as walking in while the child is going to the bathroom or changing clothes)
Insisting on physical affection, such as hugging or kissing even when the child does not want it
Insisting on touching games (such as tickling or wrestling) even when the child does not want it
Asks about or makes comments about the sexual development of a child/teenager
Insists on spending time alone with a child without interruptions
Offers to babysit or keep kids overnight for free
Spends the majority of their time with children (or younger children, if an older teen); does not spend much time with people their own age
Buy expensive gifts or gives them money for no reason
Playing “favorites” with a particular child or picking on a particular child
Unfortunately, there is no way to ensure your family members are safe at all times. But by teaching children about their bodies, modeling and enforcing respect for children’s bodies, and creating an environment in which a child can talk you about anything, you will be giving your child the tools they need to set limits and ask for help when it’s needed.