Written by: Nick Bloodworth, LMFT
Domestic violence isn’t as black and white as most think. Violence is more than just physical and verbal. If we look at the Duluth Model of Power and Control, violence is broken down into 8 sub-categories:
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Coercion and threats- threatening harm to the person, withholding basic support and rights.
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Intimidation- raising a hand or using looks and gestures to create fear.
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Emotional Abuse- punishing or ridiculing, refusing to speak or ignoring requests.
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Isolation- Controlling access to friends and family, controlling the use of TV or phones.
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Minimize, Justify and Blame- Denying the abuse, blaming the victim for the abuse, or justifying the abuse due to being under stress.
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Misuse, Withhold or delay needed supports- Using medication to sedate the person for their convenience, withdrawing care or immobilizing a person.
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Economic Abuse- stealing, limiting access to financial information and resources, and using someone’s property for their own benefit.
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Caregiver Privilege- Treating a victim as a child, limiting their roles and responsibilities, making unilateral decisions.
Many people believe an abuser’s anger is the cause of the abuse in the relationship. This is just not true. An abusive individual does not become angry the way “normal” people do. Their rules are different and unlike “normal” people, an abusive individual’s anger is not the cause of their problems. Abusive anger is just one of their tools. Evidence shows that abusive individuals who complete anger management or couples counseling programs do not stop abusing; they simply find another tool to reach the same end.
Some believe couples counseling is another alternative to anger management in ending domestic violence. Unfortunately, couples counseling sometimes allows a partner to stay focused on criticisms of the victim instead of dealing with their own problems. The fear is that with violence in the home, couples counseling would only lead to retaliation for what is said to the counselor. Abuse is a problem for the abuser, not a problem in the relationship. Couples counseling is encouraged, only after the abuser has gone through the BIP classes and have had no violence or intimidation actions towards the victim.
Why are Batterer Intervention Programs (BIP) better designed towards ending the abuser’s cycle of violence? BIP classes are more long-term (28-32 weeks) and focus on issues related to abuse and parenting. Abusive individuals focus on learning to identify their abusive behaviors, recognize the effects of their violence on family members, and developing respect for their partner’s and children. Our goal for a client in BIP:
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Stop physical violence and verbal abuse
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End intimidating behaviors
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Become a better listener
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Respecting differences and opinions
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Learning new skills to manage conflict
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Ceasing to blame their partner or children for their feelings and behavior
Batterer Intervention Programs are a great first step in helping someone with his abusive anger and getting closer to a healing process for couples. BIP groups are a great way to confront the problem of domestic violence.