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Domestic Abuse

End Domestic Violence: Why Batterer Intervention Programs are Beneficial

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Written by: Nick Bloodworth, LMFT                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Domestic violence isn’t as black and white as most think. Violence is more than just physical and verbal. If we look at the Duluth Model of Power and Control, violence is broken down into 8 sub-categories:

  • Coercion and threats- threatening harm to the person, withholding basic support and rights.

  • Intimidation- raising a hand or using looks and gestures to create fear.

  • Emotional Abuse- punishing or ridiculing, refusing to speak or ignoring requests.

  • Isolation- Controlling access to friends and family, controlling the use of TV or phones.

  • Minimize, Justify and Blame- Denying the abuse, blaming the victim for the abuse, or justifying the abuse due to being under stress.

  • Misuse, Withhold or delay needed supports- Using medication to sedate the person for their convenience, withdrawing care or immobilizing a person.

  • Economic Abuse- stealing, limiting access to financial information and resources, and using someone’s property for their own benefit.

  • Caregiver Privilege- Treating a victim as a child, limiting their roles and responsibilities, making unilateral decisions.

Many people believe an abuser’s anger is the cause of the abuse in the relationship. This is just not true. An abusive individual does not become angry the way “normal” people do. Their rules are different and unlike “normal” people, an abusive individual’s anger is not the cause of their problems. Abusive anger is just one of their tools. Evidence shows that abusive individuals who complete anger management or couples counseling programs do not stop abusing; they simply find another tool to reach the same end.

Some believe couples counseling is another alternative to anger management in ending domestic violence. Unfortunately, couples counseling sometimes allows a partner to stay focused on criticisms of the victim instead of dealing with their own problems. The fear is that with violence in the home, couples counseling would only lead to retaliation for what is said to the counselor. Abuse is a problem for the abuser, not a problem in the relationship. Couples counseling is encouraged, only after the abuser has gone through the BIP classes and have had no violence or intimidation actions towards the victim.

Why are Batterer Intervention Programs (BIP) better designed towards ending the abuser’s cycle of violence? BIP classes are more long-term (28-32 weeks) and focus on issues related to abuse and parenting. Abusive individuals focus on learning to identify their abusive behaviors, recognize the effects of their violence on family members, and developing respect for their partner’s and children. Our goal for a client in BIP:

  • Stop physical violence and verbal abuse

  • End intimidating behaviors

  • Become a better listener

  • Respecting differences and opinions

  • Learning new skills to manage conflict

  • Ceasing to blame their partner or children for their feelings and behavior

Batterer Intervention Programs are a great first step in helping someone with his abusive anger and getting closer to a healing process for couples. BIP groups are a great way to confront the problem of domestic violence.

Domestic Violence – The Cycle of Abuse

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Written by: Shawn Lanham, LCSW, LCADC

Last year in Kentucky, over 137,000 individuals and their families were provided treatment for problems associated with domestic violence. This equates to over 375 people in treatment every day, 7 days each week, for the entire year of 2017. Many families are torn apart by the effects of domestic violence and the trauma that can last a lifetime. Perpetrators of domestic violence in Kentucky are required to enter a Batterer Intervention Provider (BIP) program to learn how to end the cycle of abuse and improve their relationships. Unfortunately, many victims and their families never seek treatment and are left to recover on their own.

A brief description of the Cycle of Abuse begins with the Tension Building Phase, where the abuser becomes increasingly moody, irritable, critical and often verbally abusive. During this phase, the victim(s) attempts to nurture, agree, avoid, and keep quiet in efforts to avoid further escalation. Next, The Abusive Incident occurs, in which the abuser has resorted to verbal attacks, threats, physical/sexual abuse, use of weapons and humiliation. During this phase, the victim typically tries to calm the abuser, reason with them and makes every effort to protect themselves, other family members and sometimes calls the police or others for help. Many of these incidents are never reported for fear of retaliation and making things even worse at home. Finally, the last phase is called the Honeymoon Phase. The abuser begs for forgiveness, lavishes gifts and affection and promises to “never do it again”, often while crying and showing how much they are hurting. The victim often takes them back, stops any legal proceedings and feels relieved, happy and hopeful everything will get better. Sadly, without treatment and intervention, it usually will not.

The Cycle of Abuse is very difficult to break since the Honeymoon Phase eases tensions and feels as though things have changed for good and “everything is better now”. However, the truth is this is just a part of the cycle and soon the old behaviors will return and begin to build as part of the rising tension in the relationship. Ongoing treatment and therapy for the abuser and the victim(s) is recommended to break this cycle. Treatment consists of education, developing effective communication and listening skills, as well as understanding and utilizing conflict resolution techniques. If you or someone you love would like to discuss treatment options for domestic violence issues, please call our office.

*Statistical information from the Kentucky Coalition Against Domestic Violence (KCADV) website. https://kcadv.org/

Please see the other articles from Bluegrass staff on domestic violence.

What Goes Wrong in Dysfunctional Relationships

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Written by: Robert R. Cassman, LPCC

When a relationship “fails” many people look for explanations. John Gottman has researched this and has found many predictors of divorce. Below are five predictors of a poor relationship.

  1. Relationships that split or “fail” tend to have more negativity than positivity. This shouldn’t be a shock. But in stable relationships, couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive affect DURING conflict discussion. For the unstable relationships, the ratio is 0.8:1. In other words, unstable relationships have more negative affect during conflict while stable ones have more positivity in those same conflicts.
  2. The worsening of negative affect also leads to relationship deterioration. It is not the fact that there is a reciprocity of negativity that leads to a splitting but the escalation or worsening of negativity that does.  If your partner comes at you in a negative way, being negative back is NOT a predictor of relationship failure. However, if you come back at your partner with even MORE negativity, then that can lead to problems.
  3. The lack of emotional connectedness is a strong predictor of splitting of relationships. Those couples with little shared humor, affection, support and empathy are those who are most likely to split.  This poor pattern is usually displayed on a regular basis when the couple has everyday interactions with each other.
  4. Multiple failed “repair attempts” are more common in dysfunctional relationships. “Repair attempts” are those ways in which one partner attempts to lessen the negativity and help a conflict move to a more positive direction. When these “repair attempts” are not well-received by the other partner on a regular basis, it may contribute to the end of the relationship.
  5. Negative sentiment override can cause destruction in a relationship. When one or both partners in a relationship attribute their partner’s behaviors to bad or mean motives, it can worsen the conflict. This “negative sentiment override” is the general way in which a fighting couple may think of each other: “overall my partner is a negative person.” When one begins to think of a partner like this, it will cloud any attempt the other partner attempts to make.

Next week I will discuss three ways functional relationships go right.

Teens and Dating Violence

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Written by: Candice Henderson, M.Ed., LPCC

It is common knowledge that the teenage years can be a difficult time.These formative years are spent developing a sense of identity, independence, and belonging as children move towards becoming young adults. One of the major changes in adolescence is the  increased desire for romantic relationships. While challenging, dating is a necessary experience as it teaches teenagers how to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. However, it can also set the stage for a lifetime of unhealthy ones.

According to the 2013 National Youth Risk Behavior Survey, over 10% of high school students surveyed reported they had been victims of physical or sexual violence in the last year. Today’s youth have ongoing exposure to violence and oversexualized ideas about what relationships are through websites, social media, television, music, video games, movies, and much more. Because of this it is imperative that other influences such as parents, teachers, counselors, and other caregivers have open dialogue with teenagers about relationships and help guide them to having healthy ones.

The first step in preventing dating violence in teenagers is education on what it is. Dating violence occurs between two people who are in a close relationship. Teenagers and adults often overlook possible red flag behaviors as ‘normal’ teenage behaviors. While they could be, they could also develop into more serious and abusive behaviors. The four main types of dating violence are described below.

  1. Physical – inflicting physical harm (hitting, pushing, pinching, pulling hair, kicking, etc)
  2. Emotional and verbal – angry outbursts, demands, manipulation, threats, attempts to  control the other person, insults, humiliation
  3. Sexual – unwanted sexual behaviors especially through threats or coercion, threatening to or spreading rumors of a sexual nature, soliciting/sharing pictures of a sexual nature
  4. Stalking – harassing or threatening behaviors that cause fear, showing up places uninvited, monitoring where someone is and/or what they are doing

Technology has greatly increased the ability for these behaviors to occur. Many apps provide the ability to ‘check-in’ to locations or ‘map’ where the user is. There are many websites dedicated to getting revenge on someone by posting rumors, personal information, photos, and screenshots of text message, This is a very real threat as the internet allows for a mass amount of people to have access to these things.

Signs that a teen is experiencing dating violence can include depression, anxiety, alcohol/drug use, loss of interest in social or other activities, and suicidal thoughts. Victims of abuse are often reluctant to talk to someone about their experiences out of fear of retaliation, embarrassment, or undeserved guilt. Those who experience dating violence as a teen are also more likely to become a victim later on in life. The best way to help prevent or address issues with dating violence in teens is to have a conversation about it, ask questions about their relationship, and seek professional help if you need it.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance — United States, 2013,  https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/pdf/ss/ss6304.pdf [Accessed 8 Jan. 2018]

Childhood Abuse and Codependency

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Written by: Nick Bloodworth, MFTA, MA Psychology

The long-term effects of childhood abuse often accumulate later on in life and are difficult to connect back to the traumatic events of an abusive childhood. In addition, the increasing effects of emotional trauma may take years to reach its peak.

One of the costs of child abuse for some survivors is the tendency to move towards relationship addiction or codependency. Codependency is a term used to describe a relationship where one person holds the belief that her value derives solely from another person. A codependent individual often becomes obsessed with “controlling” the other person, often through enabling that other individuals’ addictive behaviors.

A person whose self-value has been damaged by childhood abuse may be vulnerable to deriving worth and validation through another person. Unfortunately, some people (predators) will take advantage of vulnerable survivors and seek to enter into a codependent relationship to exploit the survivor emotionally, physically, and sexually. The manipulative behavior from the predator is not to elevate the survivor’s self-esteem, but rather to depress it even further to gain the survivor’s participation in the predator’s addiction. The predators gain gratification from the power and control they exert over other people. These predators are the same individuals who, have done so, or would abuse a child, so the pattern can be very familiar to a survivor.

Codependency turns into relationship addiction when the item for self-validation is not a specific person but rather a codependent relationship. This leads to a person ending up in this addictive cycle:

  • Searching for a relationship.

  • Establishing the relationship.

  • Trying to control the relationship.

  • Choking the life out of the relationship

  • Being in fear of losing the relationship.

  • Losing the relationship.

The cycle starts all over again after finding another relationship. When “survivors” come to counseling for relationship concerns, I often times will hear these statements: “I always pick the wrong partner” or “why can’t I find someone that will truly make me happy.” I help people realize they will find the answers when they no longer look at the other person, but rather look at themselves. This is not to say that EVERY person that experienced childhood abuse will enter into a codependent relationship or become addicted to relationships. Many individuals, who survived, enter healthy relationships with healthy individuals. It is very possible for ANYONE to enter a relationship with someone with past baggage. Childhood abuse just happens to be heavy baggage to carry into a relationship.

If you have questions like these: what is the pattern of your relationship, are you afraid of what will happen if you object, are you afraid no one will love you, do you take more pride in whose you are then in who you are; then counseling can help you to become aware of how the damage from your childhood abuse is affecting your relationship, not only with yourself but the relationships you have with others.

Domestic Violence: Why don’t they leave?

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Written By: Robert R. Cassman, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

This month, I have written extensively about domestic violence in an attempt to answer many questions. But the most common question is “Why don’t the women leave the abusive relationship?” To the outsider they think “if my man ever hit me I’d leave.” But a simplistic view isn’t helpful. The abuse is much more subtle.

There is a famous study involving a frog that may help to explain some of this.  If a frog is put in boiling water it will jump out. But what if a frog is put in cool water and the water is slightly turned up? If the temperature change is so subtle, the frog doesn’t realize what a bad situation it is in. Before long, the frog is boiling! The same is true with some abusive relationships. The woman gets in a situation that has slowly got bad that she doesn’t even realize how severe it is.

Some of the commonly listed reasons for staying in an abusive relationship are as follows:

Faulty thinking

  • “I can change him.” This is a common hope that women cling to. “He can get better if I just help him.” This can lead to the woman staying in an abusive relationship.
  • Some women believe they are responsible for their marriage and must make it work at all costs. This can be reinforced by family. What does it say about her that her marriage “failed?” “A bad marriage is better than single parenting.”
  • Some women may feel isolated from their families as part of the abuse. This in turn may lead some to believe that no one cares about them and that there is nowhere to turn.
  • The abuser is not always violent. When he appears to be caring and nice, the woman will cling to this as hope that he will get better.
  • She may blame his abuse on other factors such as his job’s stress or his drug habit.
  • She may come from an abusive childhood in which she equated violence and apologies with love.  Some severe cases may involve a woman actually seeking out men who are dysfunctional and abusive as the predictable is safer than the unpredictable. She may prefer an abuser whom she knows over a friendly man whom she doesn’t know.
  • Depression can also play a major role as it can influence her self-esteem. She may think “I deserve this.”

Responses by others

  • Sometimes the women do report the abuse but the response is so poor that it “trains” the woman to think it isn’t as severe as it is. This can lead to “learned helplessness”, in which the woman believes she is helpless to change her situation.
  • Restraining orders have failed in the past.
  • Her own mother may have said “you made this bed, now lie in it.”
  • At times there can be obstacles from many people in her community.

Resources

  • If the woman has a child, it may be practically difficult to leave with a child.
  • She may not have employment and wonder how she will support herself.
  • There is the fear of losing custody of the child in a potential divorce. One woman told me “if I leave, then he gets the kids half of the week.”

Insinuating a woman can just leave the relationship isn’t helpful. There is much more to it. In counseling therapists try to encourage women to become more assertive. Changing one’s personality takes time, however, and requires patience from those who care.

Five Characteristics of Batterers

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Written By: Robert R. Cassman, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

A “batterer” is someone who batters or assaults another person. In this context, we are speaking of abusers. These abusers are overwhelming male.  In addition to that, we know quite a bit more about them. Below are some common traits of abusers. A specific one may not be proof of a batterer but taken together they paint a pretty accurate picture of a batterer.

Batterers are very controlling.

Abusers do not like their partner going places without them or being “late.”  They tend to interrogate the partner as to where she has been, how much money she spent etc. The abuser doesn’t like the partner to make decisions for herself and especially for the couple.  The abuser will keep the money and block access to it and can even insist on the partner obtaining permission to leave the house.

Dual personalities

Abusers tend to have a dual personality. They tend to appear one way in front of others and a totally different way at home or in the car. Dramatic mood swings are so prevalent and come with such violent consequences that the victim is scared even when the “good side” is being shown. The victim is unsure which version of the abuser will she get. They are like actors who have fooled everyone. When the victim attempts to tell someone about the bad side of the abuser, people tend to not believe it as they have only ever seen the “good” side.

Blame others

Batters are allergic to responsibility. They simply can’t take responsibility for anything. Even when there is an apology there are strings attached. They will say things like “Why did you make me do that?” or “you know how jealous you make me.”  In their minds, for them to continue to abuse, they cannot be responsible.

Excessive jealousy

Batterers like to say that they love the victim so much so that’s why they get jealous. But this jealousy is more of a sign of possessing the victim than of anything else. The batterer does not trust his partner and believes she will have an affair at the first given opportunity. It is very dangerous for the woman to have any contact with another male if she is in an abusive relationship.

Threats of suicide or homicide

Abusers, will they feel they are losing control of the relationship and will threaten to kill the partner or someone she cares about (this can even be the pet.) They will also threaten to kill themselves if she leaves.  The abuser is attempting to control her through psychological terror.  Because she cares about him, the abuser will use this care against her and threaten suicide.

The Domestic Violence Cycle of Abuse

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Written by: Robert R. Cassman, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Domestic abuse or violence doesn’t “just happen.” There is actually a pattern or cycle. This cycle can occur over the course of a day, a week, or even longer and can happen hundreds of times in a relationship. Even though this is a common pattern, by no means do all abusive relationships fall in this cycle.

  1. Tension building. This phase occurs before the actual violence happens. In this phase, healthy communication breaks down and passive-aggressive acts can occur.  Stress between the partners increases and the victim begins to get very nervous. She may begin to “walk on eggshells” as she prepares for what comes next.  She attempts to prevent the inevitable by changing her own behavior in an attempt to calm her partner. She will give in frequently during this phase. The abuser’s stress level increases and verbal aggression begins.
  2. The incident. This is also called the “acting out phase.” The actual violence occurs here. The abuser exerts his physical control over his partner in an attempt to dominate. The level of severity can vary widely from incident to incident.
  3. The honeymoon phase. This is also called the “reconciliation phase.” This phase involves some sort of “apology” and/or ignoring of the incident. The abuser overwhelms the victim with affection and gifts.  This is done to wipe away what happened and any guilt the abuser may feel. It is not sincere as it is still part of the abusive cycle.  The abuser may even try to steer attention away from the victim and onto himself through threats of suicide (“I’m so terrible I should kill myself.”)  This phase can last for a day or even months to the point where the victim is sincerely fooled into thinking “he’s changed.” She may tell her friends “but you don’t see all the great things he does.”
  4. Calm. This phase directly follows the honeymoon phase. For a while it can seem to the victim that “all is okay” and she may convince herself that the abuse won’t happen again.  This flows directly into the “tension building.” The cycle then starts over.

What is important is how all four phases are abusive because they lack sincerity. When in the honeymoon phase, it is important to realize that the abuser isn’t really sincere in his affection and praise. The same goes for the calm phase. Realizing that this is a cycle and one phase leads to another helps to bring reality to the forefront: the entire relationship is dysfunctional.