Bluegrass Professional Counseling

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Children

Fathered by God: How to become a man when you don’t have a dad to teach you

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Written by: Nick Bloodworth, LMFT                                                                                                                                                                                                

Over the past several years, it seems that there have been fewer and fewer men willing to lead their families and follow God. The absence of these men has done more harm than good. These absences are for a variety of reasons. However voluntary or not, it forces young men to be initiated into manhood too quickly without taking the proper steps. John Eldredge explains in his book “Fathered by God” the importance of having “Good” men to lead us into the initiation of manhood. I am briefly going to explain the work of Eldredge and why it is important for young men to go through this process with a good leader.

Eldredge talks about the initiation process into manhood, not as a fraternity initiation, but rather a lifelong journey from boy to man; or as outlined in the book, from beloved son to sage. Eldredge outlines 5 phases on the ladder to true manhood. There is not a specific age range for each step and in fact, for most, they overlap each other. Here are the 5 phases:

  • Beloved Son- the first phase is about knowing, understanding and believing that we are loved. Eldredge relates this to the Biblical sense that as young boys we must come to acknowledge that we are the beloved son, just as Christ was and is to the Father.

  • Cowboy- This is the second phase in which boys begin to learn and explore. This is a stage in which a healthy male figure should be guiding them along the way. This is referenced to the Biblical sense in which Jesus was at work with Joseph in the wood shop, learning not only a trade but about life.

  • Warrior- the third phase is centered around men standing up for themselves, their loved ones and what they believe in. This is referenced to the Biblical version of Christ’s encounter with the tempter during his 40 days in the desert and his battles with demoniacs, and angry mobs. In this stage, a man becomes a warrior when he no longer runs from the fight but rather confronts it.

  • King- the fourth phase is focused on after fighting like a warrior.  Under authority and guidance of a king, each man must be crowned king of his own kingdom. Understanding that a good king fights alongside his warriors, not for himself, and shares his wisdom and knowledge with his cowboys and beloved sons in important. Jesus became king when He was enthroned in heaven at the right hand of the Father.

  • Sage- this is the final stage that looks towards the end of life. These are those men who choose not to just take vacations and lounge around, but rather share their years of experience and warriors and kings with those men who come after them. Those are the sages. Eldredge points out that true sages are hard to find. Sages can be discovered in books as others share their wisdom. Jesus, after becoming king, sends the Holy Spirit to be our counselor and our sage. The Spirit inspires us and shares the Wisdom of God

In my own experiences, I can relate to the broken manhood that is becoming more and more the reality of our society. I have used this book and continue to use this book to help me heal from these wounds.

Postpartum Depression

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Written by: Sam Rouse, LPCA

A new baby often brings joy and fulfillment to peoples lives.  Some mothers often have a baby after years of fertility issues and miscarriage.  Society expects mothers to be perfectly happy after all they have wished for comes true.  Many times this is not what happens. An estimated 15-30% of mothers experience what is called postpartum depression.

Most all mothers experience some form of the “baby blues.”  That does not necessarily mean that it is as serious as Postpartum Depression (PPD.)  These mood changes are often attributed to hormonal issues after the birth of a child. Sleep difficulty and adjustment to the new life with a baby can also contribute.  Mothers can start showing symptoms of PPD up to 12 months after the birth of the baby. The following are signs and symptoms of PPD:

  • Low mood
  • Irritability or “grumpiness”
  • Difficulty bonding with baby
  • Problems with eating or sleeping
  • Thoughts of hurting yourself or the baby

Postpartum depression is not the only issue that can affect mothers following delivery.  Mothers can also experience anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, even postpartum psychosis.  Any type of postpartum mental health issue is very serious and immediate attention is required. If you believe that you are having difficulty following the birth of your child seek medical attention from your OB or primary care physician immediately.

Medications can be used to help the symptoms as well as mental health counseling.  Most importantly, with any mental health condition, one important thing is the support system.  Surround yourself with the people who support you and educate them about the issue and ways they can help.

If you are having any thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby, seek attention immediately by calling 911 or going to your local emergency room.  Safety for you and your baby is the most important.

Some of the information here was from postpartum.net

Types of Parenting

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Written by: Robert R. Cassman, LPCC

While this article doesn’t attempt to provide an exhaustive list or description of parenting styles, we will discuss three of the major styles. None of the three parenting styles are pathological but there are differences and it will be clear which is the healthiest one.  

Permissive parenting involves a parent who wants to be a friend of their child. The permissive parent constantly buys the cooperation of the child. In Walmart, this is the parent who has the out-of-control whiny child who only stops crying when promised something in return. Permissive parents are afraid to discipline the child. “I don’t want her to hate me” a permissive parent is likely to say when asked why discipline isn’t used. Permissive parents feel guilty when they do attempt discipline.  These children grow up to be demanding, permissive and excessive. They have poor relationships because they are spoiled and don’t know how to give toward someone else.

Authoritarian parenting may look like a “drill sergeant” to others. These parents show very little physical affection. This parent is orderly and structured. The children are, therefore, orderly and structured as well. In Walmart, this parent does not need to redirect his or her children. The children are quiet and control themselves. This parenting is colder and tends to be isolated. There is very little room for special circumstances. These children grow up to have distant relationships and have a difficult time interacting with others who are dissimilar.  They may also have a hard time standing up for themselves and tend to get taken advantage of in relationships.

Authoritative parenting is a good mixture of both. The authoritative parent gives a healthy dose of affection and a healthy dose of discipline to the child. This parent disciplines because the child is loved. These children tend to grow up to be healthy adults.

How do I Talk to My Child about Suicidal Thoughts?

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Written by: Nick Bloodworth, LMFT

Suicide attempts and successful suicides are on the rise and has been steadily increasing over the past few years. People are afraid of talking about suicide out of fear that it may increase the chance that someone commits or attempts suicide. In this article, I want to help encourage the reader to understand the importance of having this conversation as well as identifying common fears people have for avoiding this conversation.

When it comes to asking someone if they are okay, fear often times gets in the way. We fear what response we might get, we fear our inexperience on the topic of suicide and we fear to appear to be nosey. However, the concern for beginning these conversations clouds the relief that people feel after they hear that question, ‘are you okay?’ The question for us as parents, teachers, professionals and everyone else is, “how do we challenge our fears to ensure we are asking the question in a supportive and encouraging manner?” First, we have to discuss our fears that often keep us from having the conversation.

  • “I don’t know what to say.” You don’t need to offer advice or solutions, being there for support by listening gives the person hope and it validates the emotions that the individual is feeling.
  • “I don’t want to make it worse.” People have this myth that talking about suicide makes it worse, but that is not the case and this myth keeps people from reaching out. You can’t make matters worse by sharing that burden and adding another person of support can only be a positive thing. After sharing, most people feel better and feel as if the weight on their shoulders is lighter.
  • “I’m worried about offending them.” If given a negative response or an angry response, this is often the sign of a defense mechanism. It is possible for them to respond out of anger when asked. This is a great opportunity to share your concern with them. You don’t want to take the angry response and use it as an excuse to step back and avoid the conversation. You might say, “I did not mean to upset you, I was simply concerned and wanted to see that everything is going okay.”
  • “I’m not an expert.” No one needs to be an expert to ask the question, “Are you okay?” Caring about someone is enough reason to ask because while you may not be an expert, you are someone that the person values. You can always seek professional help after having the conversation for further assistance.
  • “It’s none of my business”. If you are concerned about someone, that’s all the permission you need to ask the question. Even if they don’t answer or are not honest at that moment, you open the opportunity to have the discussion in the future. The wellbeing of the people around us is always our business

We all have fears or excuses that can be used to avoid having the conversation with someone we care about. We simply need to remember that a conversation could change a life. This conversation could be the simple gesture that shows compassion and support that could have a positive effect on someone that is going through troubling times.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

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Written by: Jessica Davis, LPCC, Certified Autism Specialist

  There has been an increasing amount of research in the past several years dedicated to autism spectrum disorder.  To date, it is diagnosed in 1 per 68 children, according to estimates from CDC’s Autism and Developmental Disabilities Monitoring (ADDM) Network.

Since April is Autism Awareness Month, I want to give you some information if you are a parent who is struggling with a new diagnosis, or if you are a parent who has always wondered if their child has the diagnosis.

Some key symptoms to look for:

  • Clumsiness or “toe walking” as a toddler;

  • Unusual emotional responses (laughing or crying at inappropriate times);

  • Delayed speech and language (especially by age 3);

  • Preoccupation with a select few items almost seems like an obsession;

  • Doesn’t respond to his/her name;

  • Poor social skills/withdrawn/doesn’t initiate conversation with others;

  • Exhibits behaviors such as spinning, rocking, head banging;

  • Emotionally blunted (has the same facial expression in every setting/event);

  • Sensitivities to objects, noises, or light (either not enough or it is too much);

  • Extreme temper tantrums and the trigger is unknown;

  • Prefers to play by themselves, has a lack of imagination;

  • Parroting (will not answer questions asked but simply repeat the question);

  • Repetitive behaviors.

These symptoms will be displayed in all settings.  There may be places or times where the symptoms will seem worse and other times will get better.

Early intervention is always best practice for a successful outcome.  Children with this disorder are sometimes singled out by parents, teachers, and peers due to their behaviors and symptoms. They are misunderstood and seen as abnormal.

Autism spectrum disorder is just that: a spectrum. Being on a spectrum means there will be variety.  I have yet to meet one child or adult with this diagnosis who is exactly like others I have met. Each one has their own talent, personality, and heart.  It is our duty to find and guide these children to what they love and what they excel in. Like any diagnosis, children with ASD can grow up to do great things. Modifying the child’s day to day life will help tremendously at home, in school, or in public.  Get to know the language they speak, and you will get to know them. My advice: love them first. Then comes patience. When you have those two things, you can begin to modify the unwanted to behavior in order for that child to feel successful. Just because someone is different, doesn’t make them LESS.

           

By: Jessica Davis, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Certified Autism Specialist

The Psychology of School Shooters

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Written by: Robert R. Cassman, LPCC

School shooters are not like other students in schools. One or two incidents don’t simply “push them over the edge.” There are many complex factors that are at play. Below I will attempt to clarify some of these issues.

In his book on the subject, Peter Langman, PhD, classified school shooters in to three categories: psychotics, psychopaths, and trauma-based shooters. The psychotic shooters suffered from hallucinations such hearing demons command them to shoot others. Many of these shooters were very paranoid and saw others as distrustful and out to get them. The psychopaths are what therapists label “antisocial personality disorder.” These are the individuals who lack any empathy. They don’t have much emotion toward others. What they do feel is resentment. This intense anger pushes out any possibility for empathy. When we are angry, we think we are right and others are wrong. They store up every small sleight to their character. They make lists of those students and teachers whom they believed have been mean to them. Finally, the traumatized shooters are those students who have been abused in some way. This abuse has lead to feelings of chronic distrust. They believe, due to the abuse they suffered, that they are unsafe. They need to act preemptively to avoid any future abuse or harm. Even though some shooters were traumatized, by no means is this descriptive of the majority.

A common factor with school shooters is the psychological social isolation felt. This served as a social impairment and lead to them feeling and appearing awkward. Many other students described some of the shooters as “odd” or “strange.” They felt alienated, and like outsiders in their own peer group. This may explain why a vast majority of school shootings occur in rural areas. With fewer people comes less like-minded students the potential shooter could relate to. These shooters became very sensitive to rejection and saw it in places it didn’t even exist. They had envy toward those with a difference in social status.. They also envied the system they believed lead to the social status difference. Many schools shooters played sports, had girlfriends, and were involved in clubs. What is important is they believed they were isolated.

School shooters suffer from much higher rates of depression and suicidal ideations. They do not have healthy coping skills to deal with some of the issues mentioned above and therefore are at higher risks for self-injurious behaviors as well as suicidal attempts.  They tend to lack resiliency and routinely have superficial support systems.

Many school shooters reported feelings associated with disappointment and being unloved. This leads to one of the most common factors with recent school shooters: the absence of biological fathers. The lack of biological fathers is common in a wide range of behavioral problems with males of any age. Fathers who were involved with school shooters tended to have a criminal past more often than the general population.

To conclude, a couple of myths should be addressed. While some were harassed or teased, the majority of school shooters were not bullied. In fact, school shooters were often times the bullies. They were generally referred to as “misfits. ” Secondly, video games do not cause school shootings. While some shooters played video games, there has been no meaningful relationship between school shooters who play games when compared to the general population who play video games.

There is still a lot of mystery around “school shooters.” Much of this mystery is due to misinformation from media outlets. However, much is in fact known. With the proper knowledge and education, potential school shooters can be properly evaluated.

 

Talking to Children About Gun Violence

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Written by: Michael Jennings

With increasing school shootings and massive political debate, how do we as parents act to inform, protect, and help our children cope?

This article gives some suggestions on how to work with kids who have been exposed to the idea of gun violence through TV, news, social media, and relevant culture.

Should you hide information and avoid talking to your kids about this unfathomable occurrence?
No. Your kids are always listening and learning. If they are not hearing about it from you they are learning about it elsewhere. Don’t let peers or rumors misinform them. Shying away from conversations about certain subjects implies this topic is not one they can bring up to you.

Should you tell your kids not to worry about it because it won’t happen here?
No. Your child’s fears and concerns are warranted. Encourage conversation with your child and allow them to express how they feel and don’t dismiss it. Built up emotions are a cause of further distress.

When should I bring in counseling services?
If fear or anxiety is leading your child to be unable to perform at school, in the community, or at home, you should seek services. Issues that affect one’s quality of life are “Counseling worthy”.

How do I ease my child’s mind?
Remind them of safe places and people to share their concerns and fears-such as with the school guidance counselor. Educate your child. Inquire what their school procedures are. Create a safety plan with them. Rehearse what to do should the worst happen. Keep their school accountable. Attend PTO meetings. Inquire how your child’s school is planning to keep your child safe. Advocate for change.

How do I tell them about this?
Innocence is not lost when we learn about harsh realities, innocence is lost when we participate in these activities. Kids who are educated, taught empathy, and given the chance for open dialogue for these issues are far less likely to participate in this type of behavior. Remind them that while there is evil in the world, it does not outweigh the good.

Step Families Path Through Grief

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Written By: Nick Bloodworth MFTA, MA Psychology

Step families, also known as “blended families” are becoming more common. Step families are created by some form of loss. Those losses include death, divorce, or ending a relationship. Many of us may not think of it that way but a loss of some kind must happen for a step-family to come together. Step-couples have many hopes for a second chance and do not anticipate the loss and grief dynamics that may eventually surface during a blended family formation. Just because someone has remarried does not mean that he or she is “over” the previous marriage. We can grieve a relationship. The combination of the couple experiencing happiness while also experiencing the lingering grief from the previous marriage can create confusion and chaos. Children often surprise adults by their reactions before and after the marriage ceremony. Physically merging 2 families can create hope for children, but at the same time, it may instigate grief and loss.

Kids grieve differently than adults, which can add another layer of confusion for the blended family formation. Kids may express anger, sadness, or acting out behaviors which can be confusing when they may have previously expressed excitement or happiness about the blended family. When it comes to development, kids and teens may not understand their thoughts, feelings and/or behaviors in response to a remarriage. Grief symptoms will look differently in children depending on their age and their emotional maturity. Some are able to express verbally and clearly what they experience and some are not able to. Adult children may be surprised by grief reactions to a remarriage after death or divorce of their parents.

Step families are like any family. They celebrate holidays, graduations, weddings, the birth of children, the birth of grandchildren, and sports games for their children, birthdays, etc. Unfortunately, these same events can remind individuals, adult or children, of a death or divorce. Parts of the past can flare up in the untimeliest fashion. Counseling can help give families a road map and teach them the stepping stones of grief and loss. Changes are another form of loss and step families go through an incredible change. Change happens the fastest during the formation of the blended family, but that doesn’t mean step families of many years can’t experience painful or important life changes. The path of grief and loss are: shock or denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, acceptance, and forgiveness. Counseling can help step families in identifying change and loss. As counselors we work to teach these families the process of grieving and how you can grow and not just survive your past. I believe God intended for us to learn from our past to be able to be more effective in the present and future.